Turning Control & Jealousy into Passion
When your partner tells you what you can and cannot do, it is easy to feel powerless and victimized. When adults take orders from their partners, they are reenacting childhood obedience and contributing to their own domination. Although partners may try to punish “defiance,” they are not likely to do anything other than get angry or withdraw. The best way to break a vicious cycle of domination and submission is for compliant people to start doing what they need to do and allow their partners to be upset. The following steps show how to start taking charge of your life:
Jealousy is often the cause of attempts to control. Women may become jealous when their partner notices other females. They need to understand that men are visually oriented and “cruise” women in the same way that they enjoy noticing flashy cars. Expecting a man to be blind to beauty in other women places a devastating demand on a relationship. Some men get jealous when their partner is not under their direct protection and they may project their own lustful urges onto their partner. However, men need to understand that women are capable of handling everyday encounters without falling prey to men or sexual urges. In actuality, the real cause of jealousy is always insecurity about attractiveness or control. When it is expressed in the form of accusations and orders, it can destroy a relationship. However, there are ways to turn jealousy into passion and tenderness
Justified jealousy is inevitable after learning that your partner has been unfaithful. You may think you cannot continue a relationship once trust has been violated. Actually, losing the illusion of complete trust is realistic. Taking some of the following steps can rebuild the openness, companionship, and confidence necessary to restore a relationship:
See After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring (Harper Perennial, 1997) for further elaboration of these ideas.